Hi past me. You don’t know it yet, but god you’re in for a lot. I’ll tell you now that you won’t find one thing that makes you decide the pandemic was worth it. Next April you’d trade everything from it to hope it didn’t happen, you’d give them all up in a heartbeat. Good things do happen though. You get some space that you need, take advantage of it where it helps. Your art grows so much and a lot of it is out of instability but it’ll make you proud of yourself too. 

You’re going to have some crises of self. There’s a lot going on, it’s ok, and being confined in your head for so long of course you feel like that. It will hurt and it will be ok. You’re going to fall in romantic love for the first time for real (because you know it wasn’t real before) and it’s not going to last and you know that but that doesn’t make it any bit less genuine. I think you did a good job with it, everything considered. 

You know yourself, you know the pattern you make friends in. I don’t think you should change much because I don’t know what it’ll do to the good. It might be safer to keep it as is and deal with it in your way. Second semester gets better once you reach out to classmates online. 

Take care of yourself. You don’t want to some days, I understand that, but you have to for other days. Please give yourself that. Please eat right. You get better at hydrating when you get a new water bottle, that’s half. We’re going to get it I know. 

Please let yourself do this. Let yourself go through it. Maybe do better than me, if you can change it, let yourself feel things more openly. Don’t cry with your door closed. I know everything is falling away one by one but it hurts if you show or not so try to get the support you can. The whole family is there for you as much as they can. Don’t talk about politics at the end of summer, but maybe come out instead. If you can, be more honest with them than I was. I’m trying to do that now. I’m trying to get us vaccinated. 

By the way, you’ll get over your fear of needles around getting your wisdom teeth out. I think it’s because you don’t want to make a big deal about physical pain when you’ve been mentally battered for so long. I think that’s how it works out. We aren’t done yet, and I know neither of us are ok, but I’d like to believe in time we will be. You believe that too, I know it.

~ You